Monday, August 20, 2007

Short Existentialism Today

Often one, according to all the laws of inequity both directed towards oneself and others who happen to be around, becomes so conscious, so powerfully conscious of one’s absurdity of standing that all of one’s immediate rationalism is lost in favour of atrocious irrationalism that amounts eventually to extreme egoism. It is the struggle for autonomy and in one’s mind a terrible battle between the hyperactive conscience and the impulsive uniqueness of egoistic judgement is thereof adjoined.

At such moments, and they are so perversely pleasing to one’s eternal ego, the heart itself is invited to play the important role of being the false inquisitor to this naïve but extraordinarily noble struggle.
‘Talk to me for God’s sake, ask me that question instead of asking them for you’ll get an answer of superior quality. Ask me not them!’
Such thoughts are swirling around one’s mind at instants like the one currently being described. Extreme egoism – hyper-egoism!!

Thus the struggle for attention becomes animalistic, almost barbarous for a few seconds as you observe other individuals around you, and you suddenly find that they’ve been turned into vacuous non-entities; something akin to Kafka-style cockroaches – faceless, gliding upon the hellishly monotonous and gripping surface of your own self-critical inequity of a judgement. If they are blind towards you, return their blindness and it would silence the pain…
Their adulation is totally misdirected and worst of all, completely unfounded.

Further few seconds later, this craving for attention and impulsive loneliness is metamorphosed into absurdity; this absurdity is what becomes dominant though the emotional entombment itself is still obsequious enough, but is now diminishing in favour of internal laughter – a mockery. That mockery is based upon one’s immediate observation that this attention which one is so lacking from others is exceptionally dull anyway. Those words that modulate to form sentences and eventually petty expressions are not the key to satisfaction because they’re in fact extremely dull and short of meaning.

What is attentively spoken to others in your company which bounces off you as though a brick wall has been constructed in front of you- that is often ordinary, everyday language, far too unworthy to even be directed to you let alone you consent on receiving it!

You realise this and the pain of the aforementioned struggle has undergone a sublimation, a process akin to that of a comet in the sky, that leaves you in the very privates of the absurd as you indulge yourself in the hyper-conscious but of course silent mockery of others and for the duration of further few seconds, you are seeing yourself in the third-person, as you wish to be seen by others, and as such you receive an apologetic feeling of tearful despair almost a fit of epilepsy or abominable panic, as you realise that these ‘unworthy’ words are actually ones of exceptional significance to your satisfaction because invariably you succumb to the passionate and clenching tortures of the human need for social belonging.

All of a sudden, your confidence returns to its previous low level and sucks its own thumbs in an instinctual effort to arrogantly reveal its own ’lowness’ to you, and just like the chilling first breeze of the dawning winter, your cold skin is slashed violently and you are faced with the ugly and deformed countenance of smugness that swallows you whole, and at that very moment, if there is a mirror nearby, look into it and search for the two pointy antennas that might by transpiring within the thin air that you find just above your head.

Oh the head is fine, but it’s the heart that’s worn out!

2 Comments:

At 29 September 2007 at 00:29 , Blogger Fiona Kernaghan said...

Iva, I love the way you describe yourself... How's the songwriting going?

 
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